Hella Stella

Monday sure came quickly. Holy smokes.

Certain Sort was some pretty excellent fun. I kept my goal of not getting overly wasted, and my weekend was better for it... No hangover the next morning, but enough goofy pictures on my camera to make me shake my head (Heather, I'm looking at you). Really, it was the best of both worlds. And a very happy Pride.

Saturday I slept. Really, I didn't know it was possible to nap that much in one day. What else are you going to do when it's cold and rainy out? I went to the Manx Saturday night after the weather cleared, and swiftly burned myself on a veggie taco. They could probably call it the DANGEROUS VEGGIE TACO just so clumsy eaters like me know to take precautions. My brain was sort of puttering along at that point, so I guess I was asking for it. Hot food + tired brain = burny hurty.*

Sunday was an odd mix of happenings - funeral unveilings, pride goodness, pictures in the park, and dinner with my folks. My favourite part of Sunday was watching my BH and Milan chasing each other around to see if the GPS on their phones would catch up to them. Boys and their toys. Hilarious.

This week promises to be great - it finishes with a pretty cool event... Milan's photo exhibition at Raw Sugar! You guys know Milan. You know his excellent photos. Come on out to this event and we'll all ooh and aah at his photographic prowress. Word on the street is that he's gotten Ottawa's prolific Astronaut Love Triangle to play some songs. At least, I think they're prolific. I should really know this. I am a huge fan, after all.

Some songwriter will also play a few tunes on the banjo. Or so I hear.

But dudes. ASTRONAUT LOVE TRIANGLE. Need I say more?

*Hey, when did they fix up the women's bathroom in there? I was so used to holding the door closed while I peed, I was a little surprised when I saw the functional lock. I guess it's been a while since I've checked out the washrooms, so it's probably been fixed for ages. Either way, it's a welcome upgrade! Thanks, Manx.

Mmmm, the week is almost done. That means I am one step closer to being able to sleep in. I can't wait. My sleep this week has been spotty at best.

Tonight is Certain Sort, Pride edition. I'll be working the door on and off, so if you're going, I'll probably see you. I believe it's very nearly sold out though; there should be a handful of tickets at the door, for those lucky few.

My goal tonight is not to over-drink. Seems pretty straightforward. Tipsy is fine, but at the last Certain Sort I mostly remember taking fuzzy pictures of myself in the bathroom. Oh, and winning that DVD of lesbian boxing porn, which actually never worked in my player. Sadness. (It will still remain my very favourite raffle prize EVER)

This next week will be dedicated to getting myself on a sturdier financial footing in preparation for the school year. I will involve a lot of numbers, but I can handle numbers in a financial planning setting. It's pretty much the only time I won't run away screaming, trying to distance myself from The Math.

I wish I had something more elaborate to report, but that's all I've got. Awesome gay partying and catching up on sleep.

Funny, but I'm not sure those things go together. Like, in the least. You concur?

I have done the unthinkable and purchased an iPhone.

I would like to defend myself immediately. My BH and I have both had our old phones for three years. Our contracts were expired and we needed a good replacement for our decrepit Motorolas.

Oddly, the iPhone was the cheapest option of all the smart phones we looked at (we don't want a dumb phone, yo). It was the right weight and size. It told us the weather. So we both got one. An older model with the smallest amount of space, but still. I officially own an iPhone.

Mine was set up first in the store, so while the sales dude took care of my BH, I played with my new toy. The conversation went as follows:

Sales guy: (tappity tappity tap)

BH: (silence)

Me: There's no way I will ever like this thing.

Sales guy: (tappity tappity tap)

BH: (silence)

Me: Oh! Would you look at that! Stuff moves around when I touch it!

Sales guy: (tappity tappity tap)

BH: (silence)

Me: Dudes! Hey dudes! I can check my e-mail!

BH: Honey, that's sort of the appeal of that phone.

Me: I just sent you a dirty message. Purrrrrr.

Sales guy: (tappity....) (uncomfortable silence)

BH: I have created a monster.

Me: I love this thing.


So! I have exactly two contacts in my phone, I have no clue how to use it, but it provides hours of entertainment for me. Mainly through dirty messaging and checking the weather. But those are important things, so, yeah. Endless fun.

Oh... And my BH and I switched to a three-year FAMILY PLAN which I think is pretty much like being married. Commitment and all that. Free dirty messaging. Pretty much the same.... Right? ;)

August is about to end. Amazing.

I'm cool with it... Fall veggies are going to start showing up at farmer's markets soon! Food is my motivation for most things. As you know.

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During the VIA sale, my BH and I made a quick decision to buy tickets to Toronto. It was a bit reckless, seeing as how we are pretty broke and will be until next spring... But hey. Going away for a romantic weekend without the puppy sounded great to us, and with the seat sale, we could almost afford it. (And dudes, we booked our accommodations through Hotwire.... HOLY CHEAP!)

Anyway, we're going near the end of September, and I'm getting more and more excited about it. Our last real vacation (minus family reunions) was.... India. Two years ago. So we're overdue. It's going to be a three day date, with breaks for Shawna hangout time.

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A couple of years ago, we had the colossal summer of weddings. Everyone we knew got hitched. Now the babies are arriving! This is especially awesome now that I have found an Etsy seller who makes baby clothes with bulldogs on them (what? function AND beauty). My BH and I are going to see our friend's newborn tomorrow night, and I could not be more pumped. Although I'm noticing lately that when I hold babies, I start to miss Morty something fierce...

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I really need to pickle some zucchini.

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Guess what? My brain is jumping all over the place today. HAD YOU NOTICED?

Wow, that was some fun burlesque.

So you guys gave me all these wicked names, but when I stepped on stage in my teensy weensy dress and pink wig, "Hella Stella" popped out of my mouth and I just went with it. Sigh.

Co-hosting a queer burlesque show is really freaking different than just watching it. OBVIOUS MUCH. But really. What a different way to see the show.

Some funny stuff:

- I was in the changing room with the performers trying to pick a wig. Everyone was naked and putting tassels and electrical tape on their bits. Suddenly my outfit felt very modest.

- Someone tapped me on the shoulder, and I turned around to find a girl I went to high school with getting ready for the show. I literally have not seen this girl since grad, and there she was wearing nothing but gold foil, chatting about who is getting married and having kids. It was pretty cool.

- I'm not sure I've ever been hit on by so many people in one night, but then again, I was wearing this thing:

This lovely gal visited us a few weeks ago, and came bearing gifts aplenty. Since she lives in Japan, she has a never-ending supply of great Engrish products to delight us with.

Isn't she sweet? Thanks, M-A!



I honestly can't wait to go there myself. Hilarious grammar alone could keep me alive for at least two weeks, I think. Then I'd have to move on to octopus balls.

Anyway, her condition upon giving us these brilliant shirts was that I had to post photos on the blog. Given my computer problems lately, it's taken me a while to get things together.

Specimen #1:


Jesus, I can't even concentrate on the shirt. Look at what's UNDER it!

Daaaamn.

Sorry, back to the shirts...

Specimen #2:



I'm folky! How fitting! Awkward shot, but great shirt.

Then I tried to sneak a kiss while the camera was still clicking away. Oops!



I know. I'm really short.

After I promised I'd post shots of my show with The Gruff, I realized that I never actually took shots while they were playing. In fact, most of my pictures of the band are not as awesome as they should be, considering how cute my subjects were.

I'm also missing shots of half the freaking group.

Sigh.

So The Gruff? I can say without reservation that they are one of my favourite Canadian bands. Ever. And probably my favourite band to see live.

Look, it's Jenny! We've decided to be pen pals.


And Phaedra... Signing CDs for her adoring fans.


I hope they come back again soon.

Thanks to Zoom, GC, Milan and La Canadienne for coming out! There were a bunch of people I didn't know in the audience, and I kinda wish I had wandered around to meet them.

Before I sign off, I thought I'd tell you why I needed your advice on sexy outfits. I'm co-hosting a queer burlesque show tomorrow night! I found the outfit, but now I need a name.

I'm thinking.... Stella. Because I have run out of clever ideas.

I'm handing this one to you folks: give me your ideas for a good sexy stage name, bonus points for one that uses Stella. If I'm crazy about one of your suggestions, I'll use it tomorrow night. (I reserve the right to be a chicken shit and use something tame... My dress will probably outshine the name anyway. Wait until you see this thing.)

Aaaaaand... Go!

I've had some amazing shots of Morty just sitting around on my computer. Problem is, the photos were too massive to upload to the blog. Also, my internet was too slow to download a program to make the pictures smaller. You see my frustration?



Anyway, I've just spent an hour swearing and growling at the computer, and it finally seems to have listened up. WISE CHOICE, MACHINE. You have no idea what kind of a mood I'm in.



And really? I can't keep these pictures to myself.



Would you look at that face?



We were all napping in the sun, and holy shitballs, it was warm.



Lucy the hound was visiting at the time. Morty loves her something fierce, if you catch my drift. In a more-than-friends kind of way. It gets a little heated sometimes.



Morty says goodnight, UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL. That's a full-on camera nuzzle for you.

I need to catch up on some much needed sleep. I'll write an update on the Irene's gig tomorrow! With photos! Photos that aren't the size of a billboard!

My BH and I like to check out cute people together - a surprisingly fun activity for couples. At the pet store yesterday, there was an especially cute gal working the cash.

"She's really cool looking," said my BH, and I agreed.

"She's sorta funny, and really confident." I nodded.

"I like that's she's a tomboy too, you know? And the tattoos are nice too.... Oh... Wait...."

"What?" I said.

"She's exactly like you!" he said, laughing. "That's why I noticed her. Go figure."


Now THAT is devotion, my friends. Adorable devotion.

So after yesterday's attempted robbery excitement, the reality of the crushing humidity hit home.

Would you believe I like crushing humidity?? I know. I can hear your collective gasping.

The fact that I sometimes enjoy gross heat does not distract from the fact that it makes it very hard to sleep. Especially when there is an overheating bulldog on your chest, wheezing like a 90-year-old smoker. I fell asleep sometime around midnight, woke up at 2am to put a wet facecloth on Morty, fell back asleep at 3am, woke up again at 5am... You get the picture. I am wiped today. WIPED.

I won't be catching up on my sleep anytime soon though, because I'm rehearsing tonight for my gig on Wednesday. Consider this to be an open invite to all you bloggers and lurkers alike:

Me! Hella Stella! Except I'll be using my real name!
Wednesday, August 19th
Irene's Pub, 885 Bank St.
With folk trio extraordinaire, The Gruff (I love these ladies something fierce)
I can't seem to find the start time or the door price, so let's say 8:30pm, something not expensive

You are all welcome to join in and partake in some beers and good tunes. I know it's a Wednesday, but it won't go terribly late, and it will give you something fun to remember on Thursday. I'll be playing first, as far as I know (but holy shit, The Gruff are great).

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Heyyy, I just talked to the police... It seems the dude who tried to break in to our place yesterday tried to rob FOURTEEN OTHER HOUSES this week. Pretty wild.

I've got to say... I've had some really negative experiences with cops in the past, but in the last month they have been nothing but helpful in dealing with some problems on our street. I suppose there are good eggs and bad eggs, but I'm feeling pretty confident in the officers who look after my area.

Hopefully they continue to impress me. I'll be sure to let you know if I get to do something fun like see a lineup! Wheee!

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Thank you all for the suggestions to help me find a sexy outfit. I found something scandalous and will give you more details soon. Think stretchy, tight, and shiny teal.

Usually, Morty's protective barking is a pain in the ass.

It means that when I take him for walks, he thinks people jogging are actually running towards me with the intent to cause trouble. It means he will chase off a canoe that gets too close to me. It means that occasionally when people want to pet him, he glares at them suspiciously.

But now? I like his protective, tough nature.

This morning, some dude tried to break in through our bedroom window. WHILE WE WERE HOME. I was in the kitchen, and I heard Morty going ballistic. When I went into the bedroom, I saw the guy running away from our window. He had propped himself up and was in the process of trying to break our screen. I'm going to have to assume that he was was strung out, simply because it was pretty obvious that we were home. A remotely clever thief wouldn't have tried what he tried.

Anyway... Morty did the scary bulldog thing, the guy is gone, and the police report is in.

Incidentally, the police officer fell in love with Morty and we traded bulldog stories for a good twenty minutes.

Morty got a lot of treats.

I'm feeling surprisingly happy about the whole thing. It somehow made me love my neighbourhood more, which might not be logical, but that's just how it is. I'm not happy about the attempted break-in, of course.... I'm happy about the great network of neighbours we've got. I'm happy about our community police.

And I'm happy about my freaking awesome dog.

Finally, Friday is here.

I've got to admit... The last three weeks have not been my favourite of the summer. But as of Monday, my boss will be back, I'll be gigging, and there will be some fun events to attend. I'm pretty relieved about it all. Maybe I'll even be able to catch up on some sleep.

Last night, Jo and Megan did a reading at Raw Sugar. I was afraid I would miss it because I was getting my hair cut right after work. Luckily for me, I arrived just in time - crazy hair and all.* Have you guys seen these two read before? It's really something else.

Jo's reading was funny and familiar, and I keep running over the details of her story in my mind. I love that I can picture everything she says right down to the t-shirt descriptions.

Megan's reading was also familiar (cough cough... okay, not quite... I have yet to have sex in an airplane washroom) and crazy hot. You can buy her new zine at Venus Envy, and all proceeds go to the Venus Envy Bursary Fund. I could talk at length about this fund, but I think I'll save that post for a little later next week.

This weekend I'm attending a baby shower. It's only my third baby shower ever, I think... But I suspect I'll be attending more and more over the next couple of years. Admittedly, I've never really had a wicked time at a shower. It's one of those strange parties that can get awkward really fast. Dudes who don't know what to do. Single ladies who don't know what to do. Moms who are SO EXCITED about everything. Diaper trees.

Hopefully tomorrow's shower will be fun. I think I'll go see Julie and Julia afterwards, so no matter how the party goes, I'll have a great evening.


*Note to self: do not ask stylist to "just do something funky" when she is finishing up with your hair. You may walk out looking like the spawn of a sea creature who mated with Elvis. At least I got a great conversation about Bumpits out of the whole thing... And a fabulous new skunk stripe, obvs.

A few things today.

First, it is my friend Heather's birthday. Heather is one of those people I feel very lucky to know. She is an amazingly loyal and attentive friend. Funny, honest, CRAZY CUTE and knows how to have a good time better than anyone. Girl? I luuurve you. Happy birthday.

Speaking of happy...

Morty seems thrilled that my BH is back under our roof. THRILLED. He's all Mr. Snugglepants at night, happily sandwiched between us and over the moon that he now has TWO humans to drool on. Happy puppy, happy Stella. I love my boys.

Speaking of loving my boys...

Your comments about the whole "marriage" thing cracked me up. You guys are great. I promise, if I ever do have something resembling a wedding, it will be suitably quirky and well, fucked up. Like moi.

May I say something unusual?

I've given up on summer. Not in a bitter way, not really. I'm thankful for the day or two of warm weather we had. But now? I'm ready for fall.

Oh, don't cover your ears... You know you love fall! It's my absolute favourite season, for the smell of the leaves, for the food, for the temperature, for the layered clothes. Time to pass the torch to a less disappointing season. Autumn is up for the challenge.

And on a totally different note...

If you had to buy a really sexy outfit (think burlesque), where would you go in Ottawa to buy it? I could also use a wig. Help me out, peeps.

My BH and I are quickly becoming the last holdouts in our group of friends who remain sinfully unwed.

It's kinda great.

Don't get me wrong... We're big fans of weddings. We like to dance and dress up and watch our friends make out in front of their entire extended family. We just don't really care whether or not we have our own shindig. I mean shit, we've been together for nearly a decade now; I don't think marriage is going to change much for us at this point. I'm sure it will be a great party if we ever get around to it. We like us some parties.

Generally, our friends have been totally cool with our decision. They know us well. They know my own parents never got married, so I was never raised thinking it was something I had to do. They know I'm completely disinterested in diamond rings. They know my BH is a fairly non-traditional dude, and that we both like to mess with conventions.

But we do get the occasional comment.

A couple months ago, it was my BH's mom. In passing, she said, "You know son, you're not getting any younger. Don't you think it's time you got married?"

Funny, I thought he was getting younger! Sneaky bugger.

Then, my BH's cousin. "We're renting a temple in India in 2012 for a celebration. Why don't you both come up for it, and you can just get married while we have the hall booked?"

Woot, a discounted wedding chapel!

From some of our immediate friends, our decision is treated more like laziness on the part of my BH. As though he should really get his act together and buy me a fricking ring, right? Because that's what I'm interested in.

How quaint.

This morning, we chatted about it briefly, because it can honestly get a little frustrating. Our marital status is just not that interesting, and we are always surprised people seem to care about it enough to make pointed remarks (Ironically, the more people bug us about it, the less we want to tie the knot...).

I suggested we just never get married to keep people guessing, but I think our next plan is better. Maybe I'll start a blog called "Still No Ring" and spend my days lamenting how my BH will never commit.

Day 1: Woke up and did not get a ring. *sniff*
Day 2: Made big breakfast with the hopes of getting a ring. No such luck.
Day 3: I WILL DIE A SPINSTER.
Day 4: Got ringworm while traveling.... The irony!
Day 5: Found a plastic ring in the cereal box. Do you think it's a sign?!?
Day 6: BH got down on one knee, but then I noticed he had just thrown his back out.
Day 7: Dog ate my plastic ring and crapped it out on his walk. Dreams dashed.
Day 8: I WILL DIE A SPINSTER.

HAH!

It would probably get old fast, but man, even if I only did it for a week, it would be worth the laughs.

Can you suggest any other tongue-in-cheek blogs I should start up while I'm at it?

Our time in the woods is over. We mopped the floors and locked up. It was nice while it lasted... All that green. All those trees. Reminded me of summer camp. Minus the adolescent awkwardness and unrequited crushes.

And the terrible camp food.

And the daily chores.

Never mind. It was nothing like camp.

Morty's bummed out about it, as you can see. He seemed to like the woods. Particularly that whole off-leash thing. And he could poop wherever he wanted! Heavenly!

It's been one heckuva week. I am so thankful that it's Friday.

Yesterday was a really pleasant break from the norm - my oldest friend M-A came to visit. I've known her since I was... Born. Pretty much. We lived in a place called Moose Factory together. Not many people get to say that. And no, as far as I understand, they don't export moose (mooses?). If they specialize in anything, it's black flies. I still remember those bites, and I was only two years old at the time.

They were bad.

But then, northern Ontario is a special sort of place.

M-A is also the lovely gal who'll be putting my BH and I up in Japan next year. Her Tokyo adventures have completely inspired me to go visit, and I swear I heard my BH squeal when she said there was an entire street dedicated only to Japanese cookware. Who knew pans for making octopus balls were so exciting? Okay, I did.

(To learn about the wondrous world of octopus balls, feel free to consult my favourite online cooking station: Cooking with Dog).

I'm feeling so drained lately. It sounds silly, but I work all day, come home and play with Morty, feed him, feed myself, and then pass out. I'm actually wishing I had the energy to clean. Ridiculous.

I'd also like to share some pictures with y'all, but my laptop is in the woods with my BH. He's coming back this weekend, so a photo update will follow!

On the music front, things are looking good.... I might be playing the Elmdale this fall, and my talented cousin Brian is already learning my new song. Not that I remember him recording it. It's called inebriated jamming, folks. Only useful if someone remembers it happened.

Thank God for minidisc recorders.

I bought myself a raincoat over the weekend. It's a real raincoat, in the sense that it's a coat that is also waterproof. One of those MEC contraptions. I haven't owned a raincoat since I was in summer camp. It's really quite thrilling!

So you can imagine my surprise when I left work yesterday sans fancy raincoat (the weather had been behaving all day), and the sky was black. The thunder was rumbling and I could see lightening in the distance. I had my work clothes on and a small purple umbrella that said "Shit, it's raining" in big letters on the side. I had no bus tickets and only $1.50 in change. Morty needed to be let out.

I walked home.

It only took about five minutes in that storm for my boots to start filling up with water. My pants were dripping wet, to the point where I had to wring them out when I got home. Half the time I didn't even bother using the umbrella, because the wind was pulling it in all directions anyway.

I do this thing in extreme weather - when I'm caught in a crazy blizzard or a rain storm or a wind storm or WHATEVER, I laugh hysterically. How could you not? There's no getting out of it, and you are at the mercy of a weather system. In a motherfucking storm. Might as well laugh.

So! What I mean to say is, if you saw a gal with a tired purple umbrella looking like a drowned rat and laughing hysterically in Centretown yesterday, that was me. Sorry if I didn't wave, but I was busy getting pummeled by mother nature.

When I got home, I changed into my pjs and watched Les Choristes. That is one good film. I might watch it again tonight. Has anyone else seen it? It's an especially good movie to cuddle a bulldog with, in case you've been needing such a thing....

My BH's time out in the woods is winding down, and frankly, it will be nice to have him back home. Having an empty apartment is a fun social experiment for a short period of time. I figured out how to manage myself pretty quickly. But Morty? Poor tyke. He misses my BH something fierce. I think it makes him especially needy, because lately I've been waking up with his squishy little face right against my cheek.

Where am I going with this post?

Oh yeah. I bought a raincoat.

My nightmare last night:

I had to play a gig, but I woke up late and found myself in a run down shack made of plywood. I threw together my stuff in a panic. Morty was with me, and I didn't want to leave him in the shack, so I leaned in and said:

"Morty, could you make yourself smaller so you can travel with me to the gig?"

Morty obliged and morphed into a tiny newborn baby, about the size of my hand. I propped him up in my sports bra (it made sense in the dream) and we took off in a fancy borrowed car. When we reached the venue, the brakes seized and I crashed into someone else's parked car. No matter... There was a show to play! I left the wreck behind and made a mental note to deal with the carnage after I was done singing.

At this point, Morty morphed into a small mouse, because I was getting weird looks from people for having a miniature newborn in between my boobs. I was thankful that he could change forms so easily.

I finally got on stage and realized that my guitar was out of tune, there was no strap, no pickup, and I didn't know the song I was supposed to sing. The gig was sold out.

The end.

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In contrast to my creepy dream, the weekend wedding kicked ass. Funny, it's been raining for two weeks straight, but the sun came out on Saturday and made the ceremony a huge success.

It was a really chill event, and everyone (including the wedding party) wore funky comfortable clothes. My BH and I unintentionally wore matching outfits - I wore a scandalously low-cut pink dress, and he wore a nice pink dress shirt (HA! No, he wasn't wearing a scandalously low-cut pink dress too). Actually, cleavage seemed to be the theme of the wedding, with myself and most of the bridesmaids sporting outfits that threatened to let the "party" out with any sudden movements. I later put a top on under my dress so that I could dance without fear.

Sunday was also a success, but for a different reason. I decided to do something about this whole writers block problem. My folks were out of town for the weekend, so I went to their place for some peace and quiet.

Dudes? I was only there for an hour and a half, and I wrote an entire song. ON PIANO. I don't even really play the piano. And even better, the song is great. It's recordable. It's fun and interesting. I has a chorus that I've been humming since I wrote it. It's going on the next album.

This all makes me insanely happy.

This means that I can stop fighting it - I have trouble writing songs at my house, but I can write elsewhere with no problems. I can work with that. I can stop trying to force myself to write at the apartment. It's officially worth it to wait for an empty house somewhere else. My folks are leaving town again in the fall, so I'm going to hold down the fort while they're gone. Maybe I'll get another song out of it!

This week is already immeasurably better than last week. Woot woot!