Hella Stella

My BH and I went to a really fun wedding in Prince Edward County last weekend. Two of our good friends were getting hitched in the backyard of the bride's parents, and I was playing a song as part of the ceremony. It was a wild and crazy night, with lots of booze, dancing, good conversations and the rare chance to see my BH all sauced.

Wow, that was some fun burlesque.

So you guys gave me all these wicked names, but when I stepped on stage in my teensy weensy dress and pink wig, "Hella Stella" popped out of my mouth and I just went with it. Sigh.

Co-hosting a queer burlesque show is really freaking different than just watching it. OBVIOUS MUCH. But really. What a different way to see the show.

Some funny stuff:

- I was in the changing room with the performers trying to pick a wig. Everyone was naked and putting tassels and electrical tape on their bits. Suddenly my outfit felt very modest.

- Someone tapped me on the shoulder, and I turned around to find a girl I went to high school with getting ready for the show. I literally have not seen this girl since grad, and there she was wearing nothing but gold foil, chatting about who is getting married and having kids. It was pretty cool.

- I'm not sure I've ever been hit on by so many people in one night, but then again, I was wearing this thing:

This lovely gal visited us a few weeks ago, and came bearing gifts aplenty. Since she lives in Japan, she has a never-ending supply of great Engrish products to delight us with.

Isn't she sweet? Thanks, M-A!



I honestly can't wait to go there myself. Hilarious grammar alone could keep me alive for at least two weeks, I think. Then I'd have to move on to octopus balls.

Anyway, her condition upon giving us these brilliant shirts was that I had to post photos on the blog. Given my computer problems lately, it's taken me a while to get things together.

Specimen #1:


Jesus, I can't even concentrate on the shirt. Look at what's UNDER it!

Daaaamn.

Sorry, back to the shirts...

Specimen #2:



I'm folky! How fitting! Awkward shot, but great shirt.

Then I tried to sneak a kiss while the camera was still clicking away. Oops!



I know. I'm really short.

After I promised I'd post shots of my show with The Gruff, I realized that I never actually took shots while they were playing. In fact, most of my pictures of the band are not as awesome as they should be, considering how cute my subjects were.

I'm also missing shots of half the freaking group.

Sigh.

So The Gruff? I can say without reservation that they are one of my favourite Canadian bands. Ever. And probably my favourite band to see live.

Look, it's Jenny! We've decided to be pen pals.


And Phaedra... Signing CDs for her adoring fans.


I hope they come back again soon.

Thanks to Zoom, GC, Milan and La Canadienne for coming out! There were a bunch of people I didn't know in the audience, and I kinda wish I had wandered around to meet them.

Before I sign off, I thought I'd tell you why I needed your advice on sexy outfits. I'm co-hosting a queer burlesque show tomorrow night! I found the outfit, but now I need a name.

I'm thinking.... Stella. Because I have run out of clever ideas.

I'm handing this one to you folks: give me your ideas for a good sexy stage name, bonus points for one that uses Stella. If I'm crazy about one of your suggestions, I'll use it tomorrow night. (I reserve the right to be a chicken shit and use something tame... My dress will probably outshine the name anyway. Wait until you see this thing.)

Aaaaaand... Go!

So after yesterday's attempted robbery excitement, the reality of the crushing humidity hit home.

Would you believe I like crushing humidity?? I know. I can hear your collective gasping.

The fact that I sometimes enjoy gross heat does not distract from the fact that it makes it very hard to sleep. Especially when there is an overheating bulldog on your chest, wheezing like a 90-year-old smoker. I fell asleep sometime around midnight, woke up at 2am to put a wet facecloth on Morty, fell back asleep at 3am, woke up again at 5am... You get the picture. I am wiped today. WIPED.

I won't be catching up on my sleep anytime soon though, because I'm rehearsing tonight for my gig on Wednesday. Consider this to be an open invite to all you bloggers and lurkers alike:

Me! Hella Stella! Except I'll be using my real name!
Wednesday, August 19th
Irene's Pub, 885 Bank St.
With folk trio extraordinaire, The Gruff (I love these ladies something fierce)
I can't seem to find the start time or the door price, so let's say 8:30pm, something not expensive

You are all welcome to join in and partake in some beers and good tunes. I know it's a Wednesday, but it won't go terribly late, and it will give you something fun to remember on Thursday. I'll be playing first, as far as I know (but holy shit, The Gruff are great).

***********************

Heyyy, I just talked to the police... It seems the dude who tried to break in to our place yesterday tried to rob FOURTEEN OTHER HOUSES this week. Pretty wild.

I've got to say... I've had some really negative experiences with cops in the past, but in the last month they have been nothing but helpful in dealing with some problems on our street. I suppose there are good eggs and bad eggs, but I'm feeling pretty confident in the officers who look after my area.

Hopefully they continue to impress me. I'll be sure to let you know if I get to do something fun like see a lineup! Wheee!

**********************

Thank you all for the suggestions to help me find a sexy outfit. I found something scandalous and will give you more details soon. Think stretchy, tight, and shiny teal.

A few things today.

First, it is my friend Heather's birthday. Heather is one of those people I feel very lucky to know. She is an amazingly loyal and attentive friend. Funny, honest, CRAZY CUTE and knows how to have a good time better than anyone. Girl? I luuurve you. Happy birthday.

Speaking of happy...

Morty seems thrilled that my BH is back under our roof. THRILLED. He's all Mr. Snugglepants at night, happily sandwiched between us and over the moon that he now has TWO humans to drool on. Happy puppy, happy Stella. I love my boys.

Speaking of loving my boys...

Your comments about the whole "marriage" thing cracked me up. You guys are great. I promise, if I ever do have something resembling a wedding, it will be suitably quirky and well, fucked up. Like moi.

May I say something unusual?

I've given up on summer. Not in a bitter way, not really. I'm thankful for the day or two of warm weather we had. But now? I'm ready for fall.

Oh, don't cover your ears... You know you love fall! It's my absolute favourite season, for the smell of the leaves, for the food, for the temperature, for the layered clothes. Time to pass the torch to a less disappointing season. Autumn is up for the challenge.

And on a totally different note...

If you had to buy a really sexy outfit (think burlesque), where would you go in Ottawa to buy it? I could also use a wig. Help me out, peeps.

Wow, waking up this morning felt like Christmas.

I poked my BH and said, "Hey! Wake up! The first show is tomorrow!" He responded with a "bleuuuh..." but I know he meant "That's cool, babe."

Rehearsal today was great, and I feel really good about how we'll perform when the mics are running. Everything is in three-part harmony and the boys have their bass/guitar parts hammered out. I even have my outfits picked, which (let's be honest) is half the battle.*

Now it's just the waiting. I need to get through this evening and tomorrow morning without becoming a blubbering mess. When I'm actually setting up and singing, I'll have no choice but to calm down and do my job. It's the part before that I'm worried about.

I think I'll distract myself by cooking. I've already made a nice Macedonian salad, chocolate cookies and a strawberry rhubarb grunt (much yummier than it sounds), so maybe it's time to break out some garlic roasted potatoes and marinated trout.

And maybe I'll bake a cake too.

AND MAYBE BY TOMORROW I'LL BE THE SIZE OF A WALRUS.

But anyway. That's probably just the nerves talking.


*Tight hot pink skirt the first night, crazy green dress the second night. I'll be bringing the SEXY. Or at least that's the plan.

My BH has only been done school for one week, and he's already morphing into the world's sexiest house-husband, if I may say so myself. Last night he made me dinner, and today he's baking cakes, pies, and vacuuming. AND THEN HE'S GOING TO LIFT SOME WEIGHTS. I'm not even kidding!

*swoon*

(Sorry if I'm embarrassing you BH, but you've got to acknowledge the hotness at some point...)

I'm having trouble believing it's May 1. April was the sort of month that felt like it would never end. In fact, last Tuesday I spent the entire day convinced it was Wednesday. It was so bad that when I checked the Weather Network for the forecast, I got pissed off that they were showing Tuesday's weather and not Wednesday's. I believe my exact thoughts were: "Stupid weather people... It's not that hard to get the day right."

Yeah. I'm an asshole.

I guess I don't have that much to report today. Tomorrow my BH and I are going with the in-laws to a sugar bush! I am crazy excited. Then it's Chinatown Remixed, and Bubbi's birthday. Should be a really stellar weekend,

I'm also really looking forward to a couple of weddings that are happening this summer. Isn't it cool when old friends get hitched? I'm not one for cheesy traditional stuff, but dang, I love a good quirky wedding.

(My love for weddings may or may not be related to the fact that it's the ultimate excuse to get one's drunk on. Don't judge.)

Since telling you that all is well, my washing machine bit the dust whilst being full of clothes and gross water. I seem to be ankle deep in gross water these days.

So now I have a broken washing machine (which sits next to my broken dryer), I have several loads of dirty clothes, and I am unable to really inspect the problem because HEY! It's full of water.

Did I mention the part about the water being gross?

There's no sink in the basement, so how I'll get the water out is beyond me. It looks like I will be filling up my bucket repeatedly and trucking the mess upstairs. My BH is out for the evening, lucky duck.

I have no money, so god knows how I'll replace that washer.

On a more pleasant note, the gig in Almonte was wonderful. The old town hall is a really great venue, and the acoustics are lovely. I opened for Steve Dawson (formerly of Zubot and Dawson) and that dude could play. So could his charming bandmates. I was especially impressed with the drummer, who was so damn good I would have paid just to watch him practice.

After sound check, my BH and I took our little rental car for a spin around the town. In the ten minutes we were gone, a storm hit, and tore the scaffolding and siding off the town hall and onto the spot where we were parked moments earlier.

Am I ever glad we were too lazy to walk.

Anyways. I'm feeling a bit bummed about the washer and a bit stressed about money (I also just signed up for pet insurance, ouch ouch ouch), but fuck it. I'm going to go make myself a nice dinner and check out the writers festival. Because the weather? It is the thing dreams are made of.

Cheers, my puppies.

It's been a yin and yang 24 hours.

I had a great hair cut, and walked out of the salon to find my car dead. Because I left the lights on. And the doors had frozen shut.

This morning I had a lovely breakfast and then found out that my Bubbi was taken to the hospital. She's fine now, which is great, but it was worrying.

It's balancing out now though... I had a great dinner with my folks and my BH, which always cheers me up. I also took Morty to the park and watched him get sexed up by his boyfriend Norman the Saint Bernard.

So that was funny.

And now I'm going to fold laundry.

Happy Saturday!

I had Big Plans this weekend, but I sort of dropped the ball.

First I missed the 80s party that I actually bought an outfit for (LAME) because my BH was sick and my Morty was stitched. Home I stayed. Now I have to return a hideously awesome pink blazer with shoulder pads to Value Village.

Then I slept in so drastically that I missed the parade for Chinese New Year. I was so excited to go! Double lame!

Things I actually got done? Well, I reorganized my cupboards, which was stupidly fun.

I helped my BH shave his head. Also fun. And SEXY. God, he is attractive.

Hung out at Raw Sugar and made eyes at the cake.

I inspected Morty's stitches and bruising and gave him all sorts of noisy kisses. Speaking of which, Morty needs some visitors this week and next because he's not allowed to go to the dog park until he's healed. So neighbours? Feel free to cuddle the puppy, is all I'm saying. He would love to love you.

I picked up my folks from the train station and heard about their European vacation. Although the term "European vacation" sounds very posh and fancy, their version of it sounded stressful and rushed. Next time I'm on vacation I hope it can actually be relaxing. Nobody wants to come back from holidays with no money and more worries.

January is slipping away, but it will certainly end with a bang. Tomorrow's budget should be a nail biter for political junkies and annoyed Canadians alike. And maybe the bus strike will end before the snow melts!

Perhaps February will be less of a write-off, but I doubt it. This winter will just have to be one of hibernation. I will be a hermit until May, and then I'll emerge from my cave with a bottle of wine and a party dress, screaming for the sun.

Well, what do you know.

The test was easy, and even included fabulous words such as "aroused" where I can only imagine they meant "incensed." Who likes to giggle out loud in a tense testing room? Me! Sadly, since I was the only person there writing the test in English, I was also the only one who got to read that particular phrase. I think that kind of translating genius should be read out loud to everyone, don't you?

Things have been looking up, so to speak, ever since. I'm going to see Megan read tonight at Venus Envy, my very favourite store, and I know for a fact that some lovely locals are going to be there too.

I got to hang out with my awesome pup at the dog park where he is becoming better and better at playing with other dogs. Not that he was ever bad, per se, it's just that he didn't understand how to read his canine friends and so would try to cuddle when they were growling at him. No more! He is a changed doggie and knows when to cuddle. Most of the time.*

Two of my closest friends got really good news and I was thrilled to hear it.

I baked some cookies and ate lots and lots. And lots. Hey, I'm building survivor fat.

My Life Organic order came (I totally forgot it was already Thursday!) and brought me loads of fresh purple kale. Fucking right, I love that stuff.

So, yeah, you could say it's been a good day.

*My favourite memory at the dog park was when a large German shepard pinned Morty down with his paw and licked him from head to butthole. This dog cleaned Morty EVERYWHERE. My poor pup just lay there looking horrified, like his dignity was forever tarnished. Because, you know, it WAS.

I have a very, very long wish list on Amazon.

It's really the perfect retail situation for me: I can take months, nay, YEARS picking out books and making sure I want them before ordering. This way I rarely get something I don't love. This is also good seeing as how I need to follow a budget and can no longer impulse book shop (a dangerous hobby for those of us who love cookbooks).

I bring this up because I have been looking for a specific book, and it's been particularly hard to find. It's called A Family Christmas by Reader's Digest, and it's no longer in print. It was the designated family Christmas book every year when I was a kid, but we got it out from the library and never had our own copy. I finally tracked it down (minus one copy getting lost in the mail and a subsequent refund)and I'm counting the days until it arrives. It's just the greatest book. Ever. I'll be gushing about it more when it arrives.

Those of you living in Ottawa are probably aware that it snowed like a motherfucker last night. Guess who has never seen snow? My little bundle of Morty, that's who. I took my chubby dog for a walk last night during the blizzard portion of the storm, and I totally predicted his reaction. He took one look at the whipping flakes and the howling wind, and slowly started backing up (this is the dog who refuses to poo in the rain). I lured him off the front step with some treats, and he reluctantly peed and ran inside.

This morning, the reaction was quite different. Morty voluntarily wandered onto the sidewalk, sniffed the snow, took a lick, and was in HEAVEN. He looked up at me and I swear he was thinking, "Are you fucking kidding me? This shit is edible? WHY DIDN"T YOU SAY SO??" He proceeded to run around like a maniac trying to eat all the snow on the street. It was brilliant.

I'm not as upset about the snow as I expected to be, probably because I have a few new hats, mitts and scarves that I'm excited to wear. It's all about the gear, I think. And yup, I'm wearing long johns today. Sexy times have begun! Making out is like peeling ten bananas from here on in.

Tonight I'm cooking my first batch of dried black beans. I know this isn't rocket science, but I'm still looking forward to it. Apparently they taste better than the canned stuff. While this isn't surprising, it wouldn't have occurred to me unless I had read it.

For those of you who didn't wake up to snow this morning: enjoy it while you can, because IT'S COMING TO GET YOU!

Chatting with LC last night before she caught her plane back to Halifax, I demanded she post more news about her wild adventures in university.

"What about YOU?" she shot back. "I need more pictures of Morty. Think about my needs!"

So tonight, after dog park-ing, supper-ing and vote-ing, I will upload some fresh puppy pictures*, as well as some shots of the copious amounts of food I ate this weekend. I fear I ate the equivalent weight of a small child. Still, it was a lovely Thanksgiving. Nice weather, a phone call from The Colombian, and a crapload of sleep. All a girl needs.

Speaking of the vote... While I am relieved this election is drawing to a close, I know it's possible/probable we will have another one soon. I quite like the idea of minority governments aside from that frequent election problem. Booo. Federal politicians, you bore me. Thank goodness I love my current MP and don't have to think too hard about who I want to vote for. Although it's always a bit surreal when the results come in and we're stuck with a whole new set of ministers...

My project for this week is to assemble my new coat rack** and transform my current coat area into a drying area instead. Unless I magically get together the money to buy a dryer, I need to improve my drying rack situation before it threatens to engulf my entire apartment.

Can I share something with you? I am getting very, VERY excited about some projects that are brewing in my mind. Not that I can go into crazy details, because I don't have any, but here are the words that keep bouncing around in my head (note, they are not all for one project. we're mixing and matching here):

drum sequencing
workshop
power tools
shiny new mac
shelving!
small business
gibson
sex

I realize that list may sound a bit random, but someday I will finish my grand plan and share it in its entirety. It's going to be highly attractive.

* Oh! Oh! My mother-in-law bought Morty a shiny purple rain coat and (I'm not kidding here) DOGGY BLING. There is photographic evidence, much to Morty's dismay.
**Yah, I know the site says it's a hat rack, but it's not fooling anybody. Who buys this thing with the sole purpose of hanging their hats? Nobody, that's who.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Way back in July, my BH and I bought our dear friend a subscription to a music magazine. As I was filling out the online order form, I jokingly put in "Sexyface" instead of our friend's real name. We laughed. And then we didn't change it.

Fast forward to yesterday, and our friend never did get his magazine. I had to call the company to sort it out, because they had already charged me for the service they didn't provide. And I had to call from work, because their customer service line was only open during my work hours. So every office somewhat near my desk heard the following one-sided conversation:

"Hi, yes, I ordered a subscription for a friend but it never arrived."

"His last name? It's D____."

"His first name? Can't you just look it up by last name?"

"Fine, it's Sexyface. No, I said Sexyface. Of course that's not his real name! I was just trying to be funny."

"You still can't find it? You want me to what? Oh, Christ. Okay, it's S-E-X-Y-F-A-C-E."

"No? How about I just give you his address...?"

It is now resolved, thank goodness. It's a damn good thing I didn't pick something more offensive, because as many of you know, I often spout these things without thinking.

Tonight my BH and I are going to New France for the first time. Having heard so much about the wild and crazy nights at NF, we are very much looking forward to the outing. Hopefully some of the excitement about ANTM rubs off on us, because we haven't watched television in three months and we are very much out of the loop. I don't think it will be hard. Getting together to watch skinny girls cry sounds awesome to me.

Did you know that it's Thanksgiving this weekend?? Holidays always ALWAYS sneak up on me. I think it comes from working in retail for so long and never getting these days off. I have almost come into work on a holiday at least five times since I started the Office Job. At least I know about this one in advance. As such, I have formulated a plan:

I will eat and drink until my sweetheart has to roll me home (romantic, I know).

You know what's a bad idea? Staying up until 2am on a weeknight. I am fricking wiped. Everything is blurry and my teeth hurt.

Still, the show at the Black Sheep was great. Rozalind had the whole place decorated by the time I got there - we're talking Christmas lights, pretty material and candles. We had improvised jam sessions with glockenspiels, percussive frogs, accordions, banjos and TWO cellos. Indie films played on a screen behind us. It was a unique experience, and totally fun.

As usual, I couldn't tell if the audience found me offensive or funny, but that didn't stop me from yammering on. One dude came up to me at the end of the show and shook my hand so enthusiastically that I thought he crushed my precious fingers. Erin B. and her hubby came all the way out for the show (thanks!!) and I got some quality hang time with Lucy the Pug. All in all, it was a great way to spend a Thursday evening. It just went a little later than I expected.

And then I didn't wake up to my alarm. Panic in the morning! And Morty was sleeping on my head, which made it hard to see the clock. Excuses, excuses.

"Hi, sorry I'm late... I just had a bulldog on my head is all. The drool had crystallized."

Tomorrow is a big day of parties, all of them wicked, which means I need to sleep sleep sleep tonight. And start drinking early tomorrow. So I can be a real jewel by the evening, of course. I picked up a bottle of hard cider at the farmer's market, which I think will do the trick. I'm also looking forward to Sunday because I get to purchase some functional items from Ikea. Nothing gets me going like functional items...

Speaking of functional - did you see? Jo is on Apartment Therapy! I love that site! GO JO!!

I have no exciting way to end this post. I was thinking about mentioning the election again, but I don't want to trigger a collective groan from all you lovely readers. Shall we think about something nicer? I'll throw out a few ideas:

pumpkins!

knitting!

sexy firemen!

sexy firemen knitting giant pumpkins! during an election!

Ack!! It just keeps coming back...

One thing I forgot to mention about my visit with Heather. As she put it, "What happened to your blog? It's so... White!"

Yes. Well, after my sexy red template died, I was unsure how to proceed. Milan thoughtfully sent me the lost images and told me in very simple technical speak how to host them myself. Which my brain translated as "turkeys! giant turkeys!" and that's when I decided to go with one of Blogger's many boring templates. It's tough to choose from one boring template to another, but since many of the other options were boring AND ugly, I went with white. I anticipate that I will one day have a sexy template again, but for now I am going all minimal and clean.

Last night I had dinner with The Colombian. We have been friends for a long time, him and I. Since we were both in grade seven, when he wore these truly hideous gold shorts that I *think* he still owns.

We ended up at the same high school, and formed an odd sort of friendship where we argued constantly about politics but still loved each other's company. We would hang out and fight, and then go swimming, and then watch historical films. It was great. Not much has changed since, despite pretty drastic geographical differences and occasional bouts of internet silence. He's about to go away again, and I found myself getting choked up during the meal thinking about how long it would be before he came back. But at least he got to hang out with my BH and Morty a bit, which I'm thankful for. I'm also pretty sure that Morty farted on him at least once during the visit. Let's face it. That's awesome.

Morty is starting to spend longer days alone with me at work and my BH at school. Today is our trial day to see how he does. I am praying that he doesn't crap on himself. Poor little dude.

Here's something odd. Of all the things I miss about our old house (mostly just the yard), having basic cable has come out on top. Our basic cable was an accident, and we weren't paying for it because it was already connected when we moved in. Although I didn't realize it at the time, flicking through our very limited array of channels was my way of winding down after work. I would watch half of Arrested Development, maybe a crime show in the evening... Nothing too involved. But it really relaxed me. Now that I get zilch in the way of channels, I find myself playing absent-mindedly with the remote while I daydream about cheesy evening television.

Still, I am not about to add another bill to our impressive collection. No cable for me. I will simply take up a new post-work hobby.

NAPPING.

So here's a bizarre confession: I miss working in retail.

It's strange. I don't miss the bad pay or the long hours on my feet. I don't miss the rude customers or the hectic pace. But I do miss interacting with people - the regulars especially, but also all the charming people I met who were just passing through. (A symptom of working all day in an office, perhaps?) Lately, as I walk by little cafes or shops, I get a pang of nostalgia for my days working one, two or three part-time jobs. Oddly, money didn't seem to be as much of an issue back then, because I had very few things I could spend it on. Tuition, and the occasional (okay weekly) CD. Eventually rent. But because I had very little money, I didn't waste it on crap.

I wish I could say the same today. As much as I try to be a responsible and practical shopper, I still suffer from the occasional bout of MUST HAVE that I usually regret. The only time I don't feel guilty about impulse buying is when it's on something to help me organize. At least then I know I'll use it. I've got a big crush on iron hooks and magazine boxes at the moment. Useful and cute.

I digress.

Occasionally I'll think something insane like "I could always do a quick shift once a week..." but common sense has prevailed so far. We'll see if my crazy former workaholic self stages a coup and takes over my brain. I'll start stalking the local businesses muttering things like, "I am good at sales. I am good at sales. I can sell your things."

Do you find the news as interesting as I do these days? In between the Democratic convention in the States and election speculation in Canada, I've got plenty to keep me occupied. I'll know things have calmed down when they start reporting on baby pandas again.

My gig in Montreal is fast approaching. I was feeling nervous about it, seeing as how I haven't even unpacked my banjo and guitar since the move, let alone had the time to string together a set list or learn any new songs. But last night, when my BH and I were walking Morty through Centretown, we bumped into the very friend I was hoping to crash with. "Of course you can stay with us!" he said. "You should bring the puppy too!" I wasn't planning on asking anyone if they can put all three of us up, but hey, he offered. Now I'm feeling very excited about this show after all. Time to learn some new songs. I've got an Emmylou Harris song in my head that's dying to get out.

Tonight is Hot Date Night. My BH and I are going to our favourite restaurant for dinner, and then we're heading over to the NAC to see Wicked. Making out! Dinner! Show! Making out!

Oh yes.