Hella Stella

So I've joined Twitter.

We found a car. As of last night, it's ours. It's a small, used Acura with a million kilometres and old heated seats.

This is my first car - everything else I've driven belonged either to my folks or my BH. Now my BH and I have a car of our own, and honestly? I am still having trouble believing it.

I've gone without a car for a long time. I use Vrtucar and rental services when I'm really in need, but lately that's been happening more and more. Getting myself to concerts with two instruments, a gig bag, my CDs and guitar stand is hellish, and I'm usually rushing in and out of cabs to get there on time. I've lost more capos in the process than I care to admit.

Now with my BH's new job, we didn't have a choice. The bus routes don't run when his shifts start, and it's too far to bike. Not a whole lot of options there.

I've already caught myself making alternate car arrangements in my head when I'm planning out the week. If I need heavy groceries, I make a note to book a Vrtucar on a certain day. Now I can head there direct from my driveway! Amazing. Does anybody else think this is amazing? Maybe it's just me.

This past weekend was mostly filled up with car buying, but I also got some very sad news. Another high school friend of mine died. He had cancer - skin cancer, actually - which spread to his liver.

I went to the wake, but couldn't make it to the funeral. The open casket never ceases to freak me out, and the mood was sombre.

They were playing a slideshow of pictures on the far side of the room, so I wandered over there. The pictures showed my friend smiling and happy, traveling with his friends and his wife.

Then the last picture in the slideshow popped onto the screen. It was my friend, ever the clown and comedian, dressed up as a giant vagina.

Everyone watching erupted into laughter, and really, that's exactly what CJ would have wanted.

I'm in a funny place right now. I think the changing season is responsible. I spend most of my time in la la land, dreaming about autumn, walking through autumn, cooking with fall foods.... Seriously dreamy. Just don't ask me to do any heavy thinking.

Over the past month, our house has really become our home. We went from ordering take-out every night to making elaborate curries, canning, baking cinnamon buns and cobbler. Our new mattress came and we've been sleeping so much better; sure beats the groggy nights we spent surrounded by sawdust. Since we bought the television, we've been able to sit back and watch our favourite movies with the dogs on our laps. Our lawn sorta kinda came in. Actually, let's not talk about that.

We're already planning nights to bake pumpkin pies. I'm pulling my sweaters out of storage. My scarves have gotten some use. The entryway is muddy and full of leaves. We bought a rake. The neighbourhood smells like a wood stove.

This really is the best time of year.

Since my uncle passed away, two strange things have happened. I called my grandmother and her machine picked up. A familiar voice told me to leave a message. I forgot my uncle had recorded himself on the answering machine.... Now every time I call my grandmother, part of me wants her to pick up right away, and part of me wants to hear the message again.

Then, I was cleaning out my e-mail, and I found a message from my uncle that he sent me in August. He wished me all the best with the house, and told me to keep in touch. It's been hard to process his death because it happened so suddenly, but I really miss him. It's just strange to think that I'll never see him again. I guess that's the thing about death. It's... Strange.

In happier news, I've booked two shows for October. I was going to book more, but I think I've lost the urge to gig constantly. Now I just want to play shows that fit what I need, instead of taking everything that comes down the pipe. Maybe I'll lose some good opportunities this way, but it makes me feel calmer.

Here are the gigs.... I'd love to see some of you out there! It will be a meet and greet of sorts, or if we've already met, it will be a good time to listen to music and drink beverages of your choice. Bring your friends too!

Friday, Oct 22, 2010
Raw Sugar Cafe, Ottawa
With THE AMAZING Shawna Caspi
$6, 8:30pm

Friday, Oct 8, 2010
Cafe Dekcuf, Ottawa
With Great Bloomers and Kalle Mattson
$10 advance, 9pm
Tickets available at Vertigo Records or www.ticketweb.ca

Sorry for the pause in posts.... I just found out that my uncle passed away unexpectedly. He left behind seven kids, and it looks like things will be nutty for a while.

I'd like to sugarcoat the whole funeral thing, but it was so, so much harder than I expected.

When I walked into the funeral home, I was greeted by Matt's little nephew, who looks EXACTLY like he did as a kid.

Then I realized that there was an open casket, which was especially hard because Matt looked nothing like the happy, healthy guy I once knew. God knows how many years of drugs had made him almost unrecognizable. I said my goodbyes in my head from across the room, because I didn't want my memories of him to get morphed by how he looked in that strange state.

Hardly anyone from school came. Maybe five of us total. And only three of us stayed for the service.

And then my friend and I were asked to sing Amazing Grace.

Now, of course I was happy to sing at the service. Singing is one of the only things I know how to do well. It's a way I can contribute and pay tribute at the same time. It's a way to comfort the family when they most need it.

But holy shit, Matt, I never thought I'd be singing at your funeral. I never thought I'd be singing Amazing Grace beside your casket, trying to focus on the words so I didn't start sobbing in front of the family. I never thought it would happen this way.

I'm not even remotely religious, but I sure hope you find peace out there.

The past couple of days have been a bit of a drain on the ol' system.

On Friday, we got a sweet letter from my BH's grandmother. When he was growing up in India, both his parents worked full time, so he was basically raised by her. We stayed with her when we were in Mumbai a few years ago - she was a remarkable lady. Still teaching sewing at 94, feisty, polite, and always thinking of her family. She was also incredibly gracious to me, this strange white girl with tattoos, dangly earrings and bleached hair. She made me feel at home in a city that pretty much scared my pants off.

Anyway. The letter. It had her familiar handwriting on it. We were thrilled to her from her. We pledged to write her back as soon as we could.

Friday night I was at a gay dance party, working the door and getting sloshed off my ass. What else would one do at a gay dance party, I ask you? Exactly. Then my cell rang sometime after midnight, and my BH was calling to say that his grandmother had passed away in her sleep.

I spent the following hour stumbling home, drunk and sad, trying to make condolence calls that didn't give away how much booze I had in my system. I woke up hungover after sleeping only a few hours and dragged my butt to choir practice. We sang spirituals and I cried through them, miraculously without anyone noticing. It was a bad 12 hours for me. It was worse for my BH.

My BH's grandmother, or Mumma, as everyone called her, was very much the neighbourhood's mom. She raised so many kids on her own, whether or not they were blood relatives. Mumma helped put a lot of children through school. She was widowed at a young age, and spent the rest of her life giving back to the families in her community. A chunk of Mumbai is mourning today.

I remember a story she told me once: She and her husband planned a big party to celebrate their wedding anniversary, but he passed away right before the event. She said she didn't want to waste everyone's efforts to put together the party, so she decided to have it anyway. That made me so sad, but she said it very matter-of-factly. Why waste? She was strong, that woman. Seeing her interact with my BH was amazing. There was so much love between them. I feel honoured that I got to meet her... She taught me so much in one small trip.

We can't afford to go to India for the funeral. Her home will probably be sold, and her belongings will be split up among the family members there. It makes me sad for my BH, who may not get to see his childhood home again. I'm thankful that we went to India when we did, but I wish we could be there now.

Now I'm left wondering how to give my BH a great 30th birthday tomorrow with all this sadness floating around. He deserves a great day, you know?

Anyway. It's tough, but I keep reminding myself that she had a wonderful life, and loved us until the end.

I'm becoming an absentee blogger! Bad Stella.

I'm afraid I have nothing particularly exciting to report, but I can give you the rundown on my comings and goings anyway.

1. Ongoing renovations aka My landlord is a jackass

It has actually become a bit of a joke. Every morning at 8am, we are startled by some new deafening sound caused by the destruction of part of the house. This morning it was the sound of giant metal scaffolding being assembled outside my bedroom window, followed by the sound of a giant drill going through the exterior of the building to prep it for siding. Siding! Do you have any idea how much hammering it's going to take to put siding up? My poor nerves. The other day it was the sound of our basement wall getting knocked out with sledgehammers. In case you were wondering, we don't get a warning about any of these jobs ahead of time. I know that's illegal, but I'm past the point of caring. I just need to get out.

2. New neighbours

We have two new neighbours on the street who, I'm sorry to say, are really not cool. They have two large dogs, one a pit bull, one a shepherd, and they walk them off leash all the time. Did I mention that both dogs are aggressive? As are the owners? Yes, it is a sticky situation. I have come to the conclusion that I will absolutely kick their dogs in the teeth if they try and attack Morty one more time. If that sounds harsh, keep in mind that watching Morty fight off two large angry dogs is not a nice alternative either. Unfortunately, the owners so far seem unwilling to listen to reason, and were walking them off leash again this morning. The situation makes me so anxious I actually feel sick about it.

3. We really did buy a house

We don't get possession of the house until late May, but I'm planning as best I can in the meantime. I have lists upon lists upon lists of things I need to do, pay for, or get ready to pay for. I'm not sure yet if the lists are helping yet. They are just do damn long. Also? I'm nearly out of money.

4. Music!

I have two great gigs booked for May, and then I'll probably take another gigging break while we move into the house. As I mentioned in a previous post, I really am trying to build a tiny studio into a closet as part of our house renos. I think that will make me feel very happy. I guess you'll hear about it soon enough.

5. Death and near death

In the past week, we've had one family friend slip into a coma after a stroke, and the mother of another friend die. It's got both my BH and I thinking a lot about how we want to live our lives. Live each day to the fullest, etc etc, embrace that cliche a little more than we have been. On a more practical note, it also makes me want to write a will.

Jeez, I didn't mean to sound that morose.... But there you have it.

I hope you have a very sunny spring day, folks.

I have a minute or two to write, so I'm gonna.

Bangs:

I like them, and I don't.

I like the way they look... I've been sporting the non-bang cut for ages, and it's fun to try something different. That being said, I am a total whiner about having to actually STYLE anything on my head, other than a quick brush and a splash of anti-frizz goo. Megan is an angel and she's lent me her flat iron, but y'know.... That means I have to actually do stuff to my hair. Jury's out.

Funeral:

That funeral I went to was a bit of a freak show.

I went to support a friend of mine - it was her mother's funeral. We haven't seen each other in a decade actually, but we were good friends in high school. I knew she was estranged from her mother on and off over the years. I expected some drama. What I wasn't expecting was the level of drama. Grown ups acting like children, name calling, her family basically pretending she didn't exist, sibling bullshit. I'm glad I went, because other than myself and another girl from high school, she had nobody there for her.

It made me glad that my family is not drastically dysfunctional. We're just weird.

It also made me realize how comfortable I am around old friends. People who have known me for a long time already know my quirks and my sense of humour. It's surprisingly relaxing to know that I'm not going to accidentally offend someone who's expecting me to be different than I am. I suppose I didn't really realize that I get stressed out about such things.

Work:

Typing for 10+ hours a day is already ruining my body - shoulder muscles in particular. It's only the beginning of Crazy Month. I'd better get used to it, and fast.

Music:

Last week, I wrote a long-ish letter to a songwriter who I really admire. We've shared a gig in the past, so I'm not a total stranger to her, but we haven't been in touch in years. I just wanted her to know how much I love her work. She wrote back, and she said some really lovely stuff - particularly things about how songwriters keep writing and recording when everything seems to be falling through. I think her letter has made me more patient.

It also made me realize that part of my songwriting battle stems from a lack of inspiration. I've got nothing going on that I want to write about. My love life is wicked awesome. I have a steady job. My friends are wonderful. But writing about cheerful things bores my socks off. This gives me even more reason to spend a week or so in Montreal this summer - that city gives me the creative creeps.

The End!

Things are puttering along here. My BH and I are slowly figuring out how to manage his weird overnight shifts with my overtime.

We're both a little out of it though; I already have a sore throat, and he accidentally put bulghur in his tea instead of sugar. I think he only noticed as the tea got thicker and thicker....

Now that I think about it, that's actually pretty funny.

The benefit of having a partner who works nights is when you have a nightmare at 4am, you can text them and they'll be awake and quick to respond. Last night I kept dreaming that an evil corporation was trying to poison me. My BH calmly wrote that nobody is trying to poison me. Sometimes when you're fresh out of a nightmare, you just need someone to point out the obvious.

Today I'm going to a funeral for my friend's mom. I've never been to a funeral that wasn't related to a member of my family - I wonder how it will go. Funerals are strange beasts.

In more cheerful news, my stylist gave me bangs and I don't hate them. I may, however, need to purchase a flat iron. The shorter my hair gets, the more it emulates Shirley Temple. I do not have the patience to "style" anything on my head, but maybe I can commit to a quick iron in the morning.

Hope you are all having a lovely weekend. Tomorrow, I work! Boooo.

1. The funeral went as well as a funeral could go. It was very very long, but I got to see a lot of family that I haven't seen since... The last funeral. I also got to visit my Zeidi's grave, which I haven't done in about ten years.

It was nice to hear so many people talking about the sweet side of Uncle Maury, since most of my encounters with him involved an argument or two. I brought my BH, and when it came out that we had been together for nearly nine years without being married, my third cousin (or something to that effect) asked when we were going to get hitched. My BH yelled across the room at me, jokingly, and said, "Hey honey, when are we getting hitched?" Another third cousin (or something to that effect) stared at him wided eyed and said, "OMIGAWD, did you just propose right NOW???"

Funny. But no.

2. I saw the Watchmen last night. While it wasn't an atrocious movie, my favourite part was probably the Harry Potter preview before the film started. That, and the few scenes where beefy muscular men are featured with little or no clothing on. Because beefy muscular men are totally my thing. Who knew geeky Nite Owl II was so dang HOT under all that clothing? Holy shit.

3. I won the tofu challenge, but there is some discussion as to how much I won. I didn't win in the sense that I should get a tofu-themed parade in my honour, but I did win in the sense that I should get to watch Zoom's Video Of Defeat sometime soon. Because after her third piece of tofu, she distincly said "I like it!" and that's evidence enough of not hating tofu. Can I get an amen?!

By the way, Zoom's site also features a poll on the issue (go vote!), as well as a picture of me showing my devotion to salt and pepper tofu.

Tomorrow's funeral is going to be very strange.

I don't see this side of the family very often. In fact, the last time I saw them all was at a funeral several years ago in the same funeral home. How sad is that? But it makes sense - my parents were never cheerleaders for spending loads of time with our extended family. Frankly, there were so many of them, it would have been quite the challenge. We got to know our immediate family and those we chose to be part of our crew.

Everyone else, we saw at funerals.

Funny, because I've never actually been to a wedding on this side of the family either.

Going to India with my BH was a brain twist... There, family is everything and you know them all. Your cousin's cousin's cousin, and all their neighbours, and their neighbour's neighbours. That's how all of Mumbai seemed to know that we were married (even though we're not) because it only took one person saying it and BAM. Marriage.

I digress.

Last night, I caught a glimpse of this salad and suddenly found myself with blinders on. All I wanted was that salad. So on my way home, I went to the grocery store to pick up the ingredients I needed. Somehow I managed to leave one of my grocery bags at the cash, and didn't notice until I was back in my house with my Kitchen Bitch apron on, chopping the hell out of my veggies.

I ran back to the store, which was closing in fifteen minutes, and gestured to my receipt in a panic. They had just put all my things away. I felt like a jackass, watching them run around the store trying to collect everything.

The salad was worth it, I'm happy to report. I think I might make it again tonight.

So... I'm still waiting nervously for winter to snap back at us and laugh.... What's with all this spring weather?