March 11, 2010

My Admission


I took two days off work this week to recharge after the craziness that was February. Most of my time off was spent arguing with my landlord, but I did get some quality napping in. I also gave Morty a bath after he rolled around in a mud puddle. That was fun, although by the end of it, I needed a bath of my own.

Something's been on my mind, and I'm just going to say it since this is a blog and hey, WHY NOT?

Admission: I'm feeling a bit dispirited about music.

I don't have time to write songs, and when I *finally* carve out some time I get nervous about writing something good and then I choke. I'm tired of the same old same old but I don't know how to break out of it. My brain feels completely full of other things and the songs just don't want to fight their way through. These days, I am getting my musical fix from choir, which at least lets me use my voice. But choir isn't songwriting.

I'm worried I'll never write a good song again. What if I used up my quota of good songs? I used to write a few a week. Now I write nothing.

I'm scared of who I'd be without songwriting. It's a huge part of my identity. I'm starting to understand the panic writers feel when they get writers block.

I really miss having a private space to write songs in. When we move to the new house, I'm thinking of having someone handy build me a big closet that I can turn into a tiny studio. With a lock on the door. And soundproof drywall.

It just brings me down a bit. That's all. I feel like I'm not good at anything when I'm not writing songs.

Thanks Internet. I needed to get that out. It's nice to chat into your virtual ear.

Does anyone out there have fears they need to put out in the open? I'm listening.


zoom said...

I suspect your songwriter's block is being caused your fear of songwriter's block. Maybe you're demanding something of yourself that can't be needs to come from a more organic place. Creativity can be elusive when you crack the whip at it.

Personally, I harbour fears that my former employer laid me off because I sucked, and nobody will ever hire me again. They said it was for financial reasons, and they laid everybody off, but deep down part of me is still taking it personally.

(Hey, it feels better to say it out loud instead of just thinking it.)

Finola said...

I am trying to write after not really writing since high school...20 years now. It's scary and I worry that I am already running out of steam.
Good luck to you. I agree with Zoom and that you may need to let it come naturally.

EK said...

I worry that I will not be reelected to the DanceCo executive and lose something I love so much - for the second time, and it seems, before I really got into it. I am so afraid to lose it.

And all my articles have sucked recently with anything I write being heavily, heavily edited. So I worry my mom is the only one who thinks I can write. And that is the only talent I feel I have.

WOW. That was emo. yikes.
PS: You're going through a stressful time! You always have more in you. Just let it fill.

coyote said...

Ma'am, if creative urges were constant, they wouldn't be called "urges". There's always an ebb and a flow.

If songwriting is innate to you, then it's still just as innate during fallow periods when you regather yourself, as it is when you write tons. I don't think there's any more need to worry about the recharging cycle, than about the power cycle.

All part of the same thing..

Stella said...

Zoom: You might be right. I am pretty scared of songwriter's block. And for the record, you most certainly, absolutely do not suck. An employer is going to see that really soon.

Finola: I enjoy your casual blog writing so much... Your personal creative writing must be awesome!

EK: I'll be sending you positive re-election vibes. When I was in J school, I went throught a spell where everything I wrote was bad. It turns out that I was just completely burned out. Maybe the same is happening to you?

Coyote: Dear sir, your comment somehow managed to completely calm me down. You're good.

Milan said...

I am sure you will write some great new songs, once life is a bit less hectic and you have some space to yourself.

Amanda said...

i echo Coyote's words. i've gone thru that with writing. there are times when i just can't write, so i do other things such as go to galleries, take long walks, listen to music.

my own fear...right now i'm just nervous about a possible upcoming surgery in the summer.

Lynn said...

I think all creative people have these kinds of blocks and fears from time to time. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the need for everything to be good and perfect the first time around. Sometimes songs -- like writing -- need a lot of work and hand-wrenching and horror to be dragged out of you.

A friend of mine recently told me, regarding writing, that you need to give yourself permission to write absolute shit on a regular basis. You need to allow for sitting down and coming out with nothing that isn't trite or redundant or repetative. She said, and I am trying to work with this idea, that if you spew out tons and tons of crap, there will be just one line in there of magic...something that will inspire you, and let you know it's in there, and you can work with that.

I think it's still in you... you'll find it again, just keep at it!