May 14, 2010

With Grace


I'd like to sugarcoat the whole funeral thing, but it was so, so much harder than I expected.

When I walked into the funeral home, I was greeted by Matt's little nephew, who looks EXACTLY like he did as a kid.

Then I realized that there was an open casket, which was especially hard because Matt looked nothing like the happy, healthy guy I once knew. God knows how many years of drugs had made him almost unrecognizable. I said my goodbyes in my head from across the room, because I didn't want my memories of him to get morphed by how he looked in that strange state.

Hardly anyone from school came. Maybe five of us total. And only three of us stayed for the service.

And then my friend and I were asked to sing Amazing Grace.

Now, of course I was happy to sing at the service. Singing is one of the only things I know how to do well. It's a way I can contribute and pay tribute at the same time. It's a way to comfort the family when they most need it.

But holy shit, Matt, I never thought I'd be singing at your funeral. I never thought I'd be singing Amazing Grace beside your casket, trying to focus on the words so I didn't start sobbing in front of the family. I never thought it would happen this way.

I'm not even remotely religious, but I sure hope you find peace out there.


EK said...

I'm sorry. Something about funeral are always harder than you expect them to be. Like, because you're surrounded by grief, and immersed in it, it's harder than thinking about it by yourself, at home.

Nat said...

Not sure what to say. Funerals are harder, harder still when they passed away young.

Finola said...

I'm very sorry for your loss.
What a lovely contribution for his family that you could sing at the funeral.